Monday, November 13, 2006

The Secret.

As I am relatively certain that no one is reading my blog, I feel safe in revealing The Secret. None will be the wiser if I explain the proper way to eat World's Finest Continental Almonds. These are the chocolate covered almonds sold at exorbitant prices by children raising funds for their schools or sports teams.

The method is this:

The almonds must be eaten in threes, so take three almonds at once. If there are only one or two left in the box, leave them for some poor, benighted soul who knows not The Secret.

Now, put the first almond in your mouth, and, gently with your teeth, and, vigourously with your tongue, work all the chocolate off the nut. Chew and swallow this chocolate, taking extreme care not to bite down on the nut itself. Keep the nut in your mouth, gently sucking on it as if it were a piece of hard candy. You'll know when it's time to proceed to the next step, when all memory of the chocolate taste has faded.

Next, with your tongue, tuck the nut into a corner of your mouth where it will not be disturbed; I prefer the space high up between the cheek and the the top right second and third molars. Now you may slip the second morsel into your mouth. Repeat the same procedure as for the first piece, this time ensuring that you bite on neither the first nor the second nut. You may now bring the first almond, out of hiding, sucking on both of them until, as before, any recollection of the savour of chocolate has dissipated. It is at least five minutes, and preferably more, since first you removed the trio from the box or plastic carousel, and comes now, as they say, "the payoff".

Position the two dry almonds between top and bottom molars, one on each side, and slide the third and final almond onto your tongue. Crunch down and being a lusty mastication of all three forbidden fruits. Savour this moment with all your concentration for it is, as you will see, an all too brief glimpse, just for your mouth, of some hint of a shade of that future Glory to which we're all called. You may thank God, at this point. Wait ten minutes before daring to approach the box again for another trinity of mandolinite delectibles.

But how, you nonexistent reader may ask, do I know The Secret is true? This follows unmistakably from the fact that the old 85 gram box of WFCA always contained a number of almonds divisible by three (I think it was twenty one, but I may be corrected). With my heart in my throat, I do vouchsafe that this is not the case with the new 75 gram (same price) box. This only proves that The Secret is now in graver danger than ever of being lost to posterity, as has been my great fear for a number of years.

Do not betray my trust, dear absent reader.

1 comment:

a thorn in the pew said...

I eat the jordan almonds in a similar fashion. I eat them one at a time however, and it takes quite a long time to eat one. Your secret has now been discovered.

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