This is extremely worrying.

Apparently, the north-central Manitoba boreal forest is now emitting (yes, emitting) 2 grams of carbon per square meter per year. There is now no hope for us. The planet will be an inferno in six months unless we act now and act decisively.

I appeal to all my faithful readers to gain weight. Our bodies are more than 18 percent carbon. That means for every ten pounds you gain, nearly two pounds of carbon are safely sequestered. If you commit to gaining ten pounds each year, you will effectively counteract the disastrous effect of more than 400 square meters of poisonous boreal forest.

Eat! Porterhouse steaks, fois gras, veal cutlets, ice cream and candy--it matters not. But please, I implore you: Eat!